My husband just preached on anger this last Sunday, so it’s been a topic of conversation around our house lately. And since it seems to be a bit of a topic in the comment sections here, I thought I’d weigh in with two small cents . . . on anger as it seems to manifest itself in wives and mothers.
Let’s just say (hypothetically of course) that you have just completely lost the bubble with your children. (That would never happen, right?) You got tweaked all the way out because they were being loud and rambunctious and they woke up the baby. And, (this is the vitally important part), you TOLD them not to be loud or they’d wake up the baby. You said it plainly and in English, and now they’ve gone and done it. This is clearly a flagrant disregard of your authority, of God’s law, of the ten commandments, of all the laws of nature, of house rules, of all human decency, and now you’re not going to have your calm moment to sit down and sip your tea and look at Pinterest. Or fold your laundry. Or get caught up on your email. Clearly (you tell yourself) you need to show the children the full weight of their offense. What better way to do this, than to pack all the punch you can into your frown, ramp up the tone of voice, raise the level of sarcasm to previously unscaled heights, and grab them (too tightly) by the shoulder and frog march them to the bathroom? All of this, you reason, is to show them how badly they have offended God – you are clearly obligated to show them how grievously they have transgressed.
If you don’t have a baby, then change the above scenario to the one where your daughter used up more minutes on her phone than she was allotted, or sent more texts than she was supposed to, or didn’t get her chores done. You draw yourself up, put your hands on your hips, and commence an outraged speech, littered with tasteful phrases like, “Why can’t you ever LISTEN TO ME???!!!”
You know how this goes, right? You tell yourself that you are training up your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, showing them right from wrong. That you have a zeal for righteousness. That they need to understand the weight of judgement in order to comprehend the righteousness of God’s standards.
However, follow me closely here, you actually aren’t doing anything of the sort. You’re being a big stinker. Of all the pills in the house, you’re being the worst. In this little scenario, the prize for bad behavior goes to mom, with the loud children and phone offender coming in a distant second.
Now, am I saying that disobedience should be ignored? That we should forgo teaching our children to be righteous? Obviously not. I’m just saying that when you flip out at them and really haul up your slacks with outraged tirades, you’re actually only showing them that disobedience to God is something that is perfectly ok with you. Long story short, you’re teaching them hypocrisy. You get to ignore God’s rules whenever they don’t line up with your mood . . . so why shouldn’t your children be allowed that same privilege?
Here’s the trick. The wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. If you are an angry parent, you will not produce righteousness in your children . . . even if all your anger is directed at sin. The wrath of man DOES NOT produce the righteousness of God. Tattoo it upon your paddle. Write it on the doorposts of your bathroom.
Or how about this one? Proverbs says, “Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man.” You’re not supposed to even be friends with an angry man . . . so what exactly are your kids supposed to do if you’re an angry mom? How do they obey that proverb? We like to pretend that our anger is righteous, and that we’re in this for justice and truth. But as a matter of fact we’re just being selfish little punks when we lose our temper at our children.
We have been saved from the wrath of God through Christ. This means that the full weight of God’s wrath has been turned from us. Are we going to be like the unfaithful servant who, after being forgiven much went out and choked his fellow servant for a piddly little sum? You’ve been saved from God’s wrath . . . why would you feel like you need to pour the burning brimstone of your wrath out on your kids?
If you’re an angry mom, confess it. Stop pretending it’s justice. Stop pretending that you’re on a crusade for righteousness. Call it what it is, and confess your sin. Confess it to God, then confess it to your kids, and then confess it to anyone else that witnessed it. The confession should be as public as the sin was. And if you find that you’re shrieking at your kids all the time with very little apparent provocation, dig a little deeper and see if you actually have some anger issues with someone besides them. Are you mad at your husband over something? Are you angry at your parents? Are you angry at God for your situation in life? Do you feel wronged by someone from your past or present? If you’re hanging on to that and nursing it along in your heart, then your kids will be the unlucky recipients as you sub-consciously re-direct your pent up wrath. And even if you pretend that it’s justice, your kids will see right through it.
Today 13 years ago I was sitting among I think about 4500-5000 people towards the back of Grace Community Church in LA California. The evening service began at 6pm. It was an evening of baptisms. One after another I heard repeated testimony of the transforming grace of Jesus Christ in the life of individuals who were born lost. Lost and blinded to the truth of God’s powerful grace and love. As I sat there, the lights dim in the massive auditorium of the church, I began to reflect “wow there are a lot of people here . . .what would I say if I had to do that? It must be so intimidating.” As my mind dwelled on that I was challenged...what would I say? The verse Galatians 2:20 came to mind “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” The interesting thing is, in my life that verse actually read thus: “I have in fact not been crucified with Christ. It it still me who lives. Me who lives in me. And the life I live in the flesh I very much live in the flesh for me and my own glory.” me, me, me, me, me. So I pondered, ‘what would I say?’ I don’t have a testimony like these people. I don’t have a time in my life when I sacrificed everything, turned away from myself and relied fully on God to make me acceptable to Him in order to have a relationship with him. Everything I did was for my own glory not for His. In that moment I was scared, challenged and confused. I prayed a somewhat apathetic prayer . . . “Lord, I don’t know what’s going on here. I don’t know if this is a prayer of salvation or a prayer of recommitment. I know what is right and true, but I don’t live like that. I do it all for me. So please help me to live for You and no longer for my own glory. I need your help I can’t do it on my own’.
As I prayed that last portion the light went on (figuratively, that is, I’m sure in the sanctuary the lights were still dimmed and the organ was moving from one minor chord to the next slowly introducing the first of 13 passing notes). I was trying to live as a Christian in my own strength and not give my life wholly over to the One who made me and made the provision for me to have a relationship with Him. My life since that moment changed in amazing ways. The joy, oh the inexpressible joy I experienced in those days after that turning point of salvation!! It was such a sweet time of growth. A heart increasing in compassion toward others, humility before God and man and I do believe a general pleasantness began to grow in my heart. One character that defined me in the days before my relationship with God began was a meanness, feeding from pride and selfishness. I had someone tell me that once. We went to college together and she didn’t know me well until after I was a Christian, but she said “I had no right to think this, because I didn’t know you, but I just thought you were mean” I was impressed with her interpretation because it was entirely true! I praise God for the faithfulness He has shown to me. Protecting me from myself and proving faithful in the trials and challenges I have encountered in this temporary life on earth. With each passing year my heart continues to long for His return and I often find myself praying, ‘Come Lord Jesus, come!’. (Ordinarily I would post a photo. Thankfully I do not have a photo of myself from 13 years ago . . .)
Three weeks ago Lyle went to Boston and New York with some staff and the interns at CHBC for the week. I was privileged to get out of town with the kids to Pennsylvania to visit some dear friends from long ago! I went to college with Erin in California, then she married an Australian, Rodney, who went to church with my folks while I was at college! It was refreshing for me to be with another mum all day long as well as a nice break from the city. Although I have to confess it did feel almost too rural on occasion. Perhaps DC is making its mark on me! Actually, that’s not half wrong - I remember the day after we returned the word ‘balmy’ came to mind as we walked home from church.
We were in Red Lion, PA. Which is near York (people here still haven’t heard of York, so I learned quickly that “a place 2 hours away in Pennsylvania” was a sufficient description). Emma was very excited to see the Red Lion, so when we told her we had arrived, she looked out the window of the car to see it. Thankfully there is a Red Lion or two in the area, in some front yards and in the town square.
I loved watching her language develop astoundingly while we were with 3 older children all week too. Sadly yesterday I noticed she had reverted back to saying “I want different” instead of “may I have something else to eat?” sigh. She won’t be 2 forever so I strive to enjoy it.
We’re heading back there for Christmas which we are all looking forward to so much. I can highly recommend the Pearce’s as excellent hosts (if ever you’re in the area, hehe)!
